Before infertility I never imagined being able to experience so many emotions at one time; and so many conflicting emotions at that. Pregnancy announcements can be an infertile's worst nightmare, especially if you are caught off-guard, or having a bad IF day. If the announcement comes from someone who knows your struggle it can be even more awkward and uncomfortable for all parties involved, especially if they acknowledge that they were scared to tell you. Dagger. to. the. heart. Annnnnnd this describes one evening last week...
My very best friend in the whole world asked if we could meet for dinner. I found this to be a bit odd because we are all going away that weekend (along with several other couples). My radar went up immediately because I try to predict these things before they happen. I guess you would call that self-preservation? Before any big social event, or before we see friends we haven't seen in a little while, I always try to brace myself for the possibility of an announcement. I try to warn hubby too so he's not caught off-guard. So, alas, I wasn't totally surprised when the announcement came last night after dinner, but the range of emotions felt since then have been allllll over the place. She was crying, and shaking, and so so so nervous to tell me. And all I could think was "me, my infertility caused this. Infertility caused what should-be a joyous and happy announcement to be filled with apprehension and not-all-happy tears". Of course, I am so happy for her and her husband (I hope that goes without saying). We have been best friends since middle school and if anyone deserves this its my BFF. But, I would be lying if I said I didn't feel an ounce of envy, sadness, grief, anger, and loneliness. And I hate to say it, but I know they feel pity for me, which makes me feel even worse. It makes me want to crawl inside a hole, to be quite honest. Its moments like these where I feel left behind and all alone. I feel like the rest of the world gets to enter into this wonderful stage of life, while I am left outside as an onlooker. I don't have anything to contribute to the discussions of morning sickness or labor or potty training. I just don't. And I know I would just bum everyone out if I piped up with "yeah, when I was hyper-stimulated during IVF #3 and my estrogen level was through the roof and I felt terrible. Also, I had 6 pounds of fluid in my abdomen, so that's kind of the same thing as pregnancy, right?" Cue awkward silence (and more pity).
I know that feeling like I have been left behind isn't the best way to go-about life. I understand that I will wake up one day and realize that a lot of life passed me by while waiting for my family to grow. This is something that I think everyone who struggles with infertility deals with to some degree or another. And, this is absolutely something I struggle with and am trying to work on. But, how do you overcome those feelings of sadness so that you can feel genuine happiness for friends and coworkers? I think that no matter what, there will always be a dichotomy of feelings involved when others announce their happy news.
And, as hard as it is sometimes, I try to remind myself that the bible states that we will all endure trials and pain while here on earth. John 16:33 says, "in this world you WILL have tribulation." So, while my oh-so-fertile friend may not have a problem getting pregnant there are other struggles in her life that maybe I'm not privy to, or maybe trials that are coming her way. I just have to remember that this is MY trial that God is using to draw me closer to Him.
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