Update

2015 has been a wild ride. On Saturday, February 7, 2015 I took a HPT that revealed the two most beautiful little lines my eyes have ever seen. We couldn't believe it, but I am pregnant! We had three beta blood draws, all off of the charts and a 6 week scan that confirmed two little heartbeats. Hubby and I have since found out that both little miracles are girls :)

So far the pregnancy has gone about as "normal" as one could expect. I thank God that thus far we have been complication-free, although I'm only 19 weeks and I'm well aware that we still have a long journey ahead of us before we get to meet our little babes. 

Pregnancy after infertility has been a total shock to me; in pretty much every way possible. I have found that other IF bloggers who have made it to the other side rarely touched on this topic, so I look forward to discussing in more detail soon. Come to find out, pregnancy is not the cure for infertility, and it certainly does not erase the scars overnight.

When I started writing at the beginning of this year I hoped to chronicle our journey to getting pregnant, because we were at a point in the journey where we had hit a crossroads. So, now that we have reached this exciting goal I look forward to continuing to write about infertility, pregnancy, preparing for life with twins, and just life in general.

All of the emotions...

Before infertility I never imagined being able to experience so many emotions at one time; and so many conflicting emotions at that. Pregnancy announcements can be an infertile's worst nightmare, especially if you are caught off-guard, or having a bad IF day. If the announcement comes from someone who knows your struggle it can be even more awkward and uncomfortable for all parties involved, especially if they acknowledge that they were scared to tell you. Dagger. to. the. heart. Annnnnnd this describes one evening last week...

My very best friend in the whole world asked if we could meet for dinner. I found this to be a bit odd because we are all going away that weekend (along with several other couples). My radar went up immediately because I try to predict these things before they happen. I guess you would call that self-preservation? Before any big social event, or before we see friends we haven't seen in a little while, I always try to brace myself for the possibility of an announcement. I try to warn hubby too so he's not caught off-guard. So, alas, I wasn't totally surprised when the announcement came last night after dinner, but the range of emotions felt since then have been allllll over the place. She was crying, and shaking, and so so so nervous to tell me. And all I could think was "me, my infertility caused this. Infertility caused what should-be a joyous and happy announcement to be filled with apprehension and not-all-happy tears". Of course, I am so happy for her and her husband (I hope that goes without saying). We have been best friends since middle school and if anyone deserves this its my BFF. But, I would be lying if I said I didn't feel an ounce of envy, sadness, grief, anger, and loneliness. And I hate to say it, but I know they feel pity for me, which makes me feel even worse. It makes me want to crawl inside a hole, to be quite honest. Its moments like these where I feel left behind and all alone. I feel like the rest of the world gets to enter into this wonderful stage of life, while I am left outside as an onlooker. I don't have anything to contribute to the discussions of morning sickness or labor or potty training. I just don't. And I know I would just bum everyone out if I piped up with "yeah, when I was hyper-stimulated during IVF #3 and my estrogen level was through the roof and I felt terrible. Also, I had 6 pounds of fluid in my abdomen, so that's kind of the same thing as pregnancy, right?" Cue awkward silence (and more pity). 

I know that feeling like I have been left behind isn't the best way to go-about life. I understand that I will wake up one day and realize that a lot of life passed me by while waiting for my family to grow. This is something that I think everyone who struggles with infertility deals with to some degree or another. And, this is absolutely something I struggle with and am trying to work on. But, how do you overcome those feelings of sadness so that you can feel genuine happiness for friends and coworkers? I think that no matter what, there will always be a dichotomy of feelings involved when others announce their happy news.

And, as hard as it is sometimes, I try to remind myself that the bible states that we will all endure trials and pain while here on earth. John 16:33 says, "in this world you WILL have tribulation." So, while my oh-so-fertile friend may not have a problem getting pregnant there are other struggles in her life that maybe I'm not privy to, or maybe trials that are coming her way. I just have to remember that this is MY trial that God is using to draw me closer to Him.

Diet & Fertility

One thing I really enjoy is researching and learning, especially when it comes to fertility because there are so many unknowns in this field.

First off, I will say that I am a big believer in the integration of eastern and western medicine to treat. Along those same lines, I believe that how we care for our bodies and what we put into them goes a long way. I love reading and studying nutrition and how it effects fertility, especially as it relates to food additives, chemicals, GMO's and other harmful things that are added to foods. I truly believe that infertility is becoming an epidemic and its no coincidence given the changes to our food supplies over the last 50-75 years. This article is a great starting point for learning more about GMO's and infertility: http://natural-fertility-info.com/gmo-infertility.html and if you're interested in learning more, just google "GMO infertility"... the results will scare you.

I think you could probably research yourself in circles when it comes to fertility and diet (I know that I have... and then I usually end up throwing in the towel on it all because I'm so overwhelmed!). But, there are a few small changes that will make a huge difference:

1. Remove processed foods from your diet and replace with real, whole foods - I think that doing this one thing will improve your health and fertility by leaps and bounds. I've always heard not to eat anything that your great-grandmother wouldn't recognize and its a good rule to live by.

2. If you do eat foods in boxes, cans, or packaging make sure you can pronounce all of the ingredients. Be aware of what you are buying by doing your research. I like shopping at Trader Joe's because they are very upfront about what they do NOT put in their foods (info can be found here: http://www.traderjoes.com/faqs/product-information) and by shopping here I don't have to put as much thought into what I'm buying since I know what their standards are. I know there are many other stores with similar philosophies... or better yet, find your local farmer's market and shop there!

3. Minimize your intake of sugar and caffeine. It seems that high fructose corn syrup is in EVERYTHING. And, this sweetener is most certainly made of genetically modified corn. Just stay away. If you do indulge in something sweet, try to use a natural sweetener, such as organic honey.

These are just a few basic tips that seem to be a common thread no matter who you ask about fertility and diet. For me personally, I also stay away from dairy and gluten as I've read a lot about their role in inflammation and infertility in the body. I'm certainly not perfect with my diet, and in fact this is one area that I feel needs improvement in my own life, but the first step is to educate yourself.

Thanks for stopping by! Feel free to share any good articles or tips on diet and fertility that you've found helpful!

Lupron = Awful

As part of our upcoming frozen embryo transfer my doctor has me on Lupron. Lupron is seriously the devil. It's not bad enough that we IFers have to deal with infertility itself, but we get the pleasure of experiencing the side effects of these crazy drugs.  At first Lupron seems manageable, you get used to the sharp, blinding headaches, and you think "ok this isn't so bad" then start the hot flashes, then the crazies. Yes, I call them the crazies, because I feel like a true crazy person and I'm trapped in someone else's body. I'm not mean or emotional, I just truly feel like I belong in the nut house some days. My only hope is that once I start the estrogen it will balance things back out... Here's to hoping! 

Ugh, I hate to be a complainer, but has anyone not had side effects on this drug? I fear this is a glimpse into what menopause will be like. My mother-in-law and I are able to commensurate together about how terrible hot flashes are...so that's good. 

To try and end on a positive note, I AM excited to have this process underway. Even though the quality of our eggs are questionable I have faith. Whether this is ultimately successful or not, I do know that it will bring us one step closer to our future family.

And if not, He is still good... 

Excited first post!

(...taps mic...) Is this thing on?

Hi! Welcome to the blog; I'm so glad you're here! Please bear with me as I attempt to create this space. Do not mistake my younger age (late 20s) for the ability to use technology well. I have the technological proficiency of my 83 year old grandmother.

In any case, I am so glad you are here! After 4 long years battling infertility we still have no answers. This blog is my feeble attempt to share what I've learned during this journey with the hope of connecting to others on a similar journey. Infertility has touched every part of my life; my marriage, my faith, my friendships, my relationships with my family, our finances, and our privacy (just to name a few!). In the beginning of our journey I felt so.alone. (Heck, some days I still feel like I'm on a deserted island, but at least now I think we have cell service). I loved being able to read about others' experiences and feel a connection with other women or couples who knew what I was going through; who understood the pain and the grief that infertility brings. This is pain unlike any other that I've experienced. In a lot of cases, and in my experience, infertility doesn't give any finality. Unlike the grief and pain experienced when you lose a loved one, infertility doesn't make the decision for you - there is ALWAYS some other treatment you can pursue, another doctor you can see, etc. You are left grieving in the dark, without knowing when or if things will ever get better.

I am here to tell you that, yes (!!) there is light in the dark. Things can be better and it has absolutely nothing to do with the status of my uterus. I serve a God who is bigger than our infertility. He is bigger than any diagnosis that has or ever will be given. There is genuine purpose to my pain but my trust is in the Lord. Does that make infertility and IVF easy? Nope, it still sucks. Does it mean that my husband and I blindly go skipping through a meadow of daisies and rainbows and unicorns on the way to our Reproductive Endocrinologists? Nope (although that does sounds like fun). The pain is real, and I will be the first to admit that I get angry at God, and sometimes I question Him. But, his love for me never changes, and that is something worth holding onto. 



I'll try to keep things short on this first post and I'll try to wrap up... I'm excited to begin on my blogging adventure and hope that enjoy my ramblings :)